ein bisschen english zum üben....

[Zwickel]

Naja, solche Mythen gibt es viele, aber wahr sind sie nicht.
Das Wort kaputt wurde schon im dreissigjährigen Krieg verwendet.


Mal gucken was Wikipedia dazu meint:

Verbreitung
Das Wort hat eine internationale Sonderbedeutung, da es aus dem Deutschen in viele andere Sprachen eingesickert ist. Teils wird es dort selbst verwendet und ersetzt die landestypischen Wörter, die sich meist von einem Verb ableiten, wie broken, out of order (englisch), χαλασμένος [chalasménos] (Neugriechisch) oder rotto (italienisch). Zumindest als typisch deutsches Wort wird es verstanden (wie „bitte", „danke" und ähnliche Wörter). Die Internationalität ergibt sich auch dadurch, dass es in den meisten Sprachen kein ähnliches einheimisches Wort mit der Lautung „kaputt" gibt. Nachgewiesen scheint, dass andere Sprachen das Wort „kaputt" aus dem deutschen Sprachraum übernommen haben. Dabei wird englisch die Schreibung „kaput" bevorzugt, niederländisch die Schreibung „kapot". Das Wort erreichte insbesondere kurz nach dem Zweiten Weltkrieg hohe Popularität, als der Spruch „Hitler kaputt" weltweit benutzt wurde.

Etymologie

Woher die Verwendung im deutschen Sprachraum dagegen kommt, ist weitgehend ungeklärt. Eine Basis als Verb ist nicht bekannt. Schriftlich nachgewiesen ist es jedoch sicher, seitdem es im Dreißigjährigen Krieg als Ausdruck im Kartenspiel genutzt wurde, wenn alle vorherigen Stiche verloren gingen.

(a) Französisch. – Die wahrscheinlichste Deutung geht auf ein französisches Wort capot zurück. Dieses ist zumindest für den Gebrauch im Kartenspiel nachgewiesen (faire capot, être capot), wenn alle vorherigen Stiche verloren gehen.[1] Das Äquivalent nach deutscher Mundart hieß „kaputt machen".

Diese französische Wurzel wiederum wird zurückgeführt auf capoter für „kentern" – was seine Begründung haben soll in capot als Grundbedeutung für den vorderen Teil eines Schiffes (in der heutigen Zeit auch die Motorhaube) – das wiederum auf das lateinische caput für „Kopf" zurückgeführt wird.

Möglich ist natürlich auch, dass die Verwendung in französischer Mundart aus der deutschen Umgangssprache übernommen wurde, und nachträglich auf das französische capoter bezogen wurde.

(b) Hebräisch. – In der hebräischen Sprache gibt es das Wort kaparôt für „Sühneopfer", „Versöhnung". Dieses besitzt einen verwandten Begriff im jiddischen: Die Kapores sind die am Versöhnungstag geschlagenen Hühner. An jenem Tag wurden dann „Kapores geschlagen", was in die Gaunersprache als „kapores machen" überging und soviel wie „niederschlagen" bis hin zu „totschlagen" bedeutete.[2]

Diese Bedeutung kommt der Verwendung von „kaputt" sehr nahe, und sie kommt als Verwendung im Kartenspiel als „vorherige Stiche niederschlagen" gut in Betracht.

(c) Latein. – Statt über das Französische kann auch eine direkte Ableitung vom Kirchenlatein gefunden werden. Danach stammt „kaputt" aus dem lateinischen caput, aber nicht in der klassischen Bedeutung von „Kopf", sondern aus dem späteren mittelalterlichen Ausdruck caput essere = „unnötig werden", „unbrauchbar sein". Dieses kam von der Wortbedeutung „man muss alles wieder anfangen" = „wieder am Kopf nehmen", was oft in (lateinisch-)juristischen Texten benutzt wurde.

So, jetzt sollten wir es aber wissen

[ntf]

Morgen, am 23.1.2010 wird für Sydneys Westen eine Temperatur von 43 Grad im Schatten voraus gesagt, da bin ich dann kaput (kaputt).

Weitaus kühler wird Sydney Zentral sein mit nur 39 Grad, die wir im westlichen Stadtteil heute hatten.

[Zwickel]

okay then, one more exercise:

Weather Forecasting the Australian way.

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in modern community, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold'.

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter'.

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold? He asked.

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Abbos in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

[Zwickel]

THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION


In the beginning God created day and night.
He created day for footy matches, going to the beach . . .

And BBQ's . . .

He created night
for going prawning . . . sleeping and . . .

BBQ's

and God saw that it was good.



On the Second Day, God created water. . .
for surfing, swimming,
and BBQ's on the beach,

and God saw that it was good.



On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants
to provide malt and yeast for beer
and wood for BBQs

and God saw that it was good



On the Fourth Day God created animals

and crustaceans
chops, sausages, steak

and prawns for BBQ's


and God saw that it was good.



On the Fifth day God created a Bloke

to go to the footy, enjoy the beach,
drink the beer . . .
and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's

and God saw that it was good.


On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely
and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat . . .
and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates,

and God saw that they were good Blokes,

and God saw that it was good.



On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires,
heard the hiss of opening beer cans . . .
and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes.
He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns

and God Saw that it was good ....



. . . Well . . .
Almost good



He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up . . .
and needed a rest.


So God created Sheilas

to clean the house, to bear children, to wash,
to cook and to clean the Barbie,
and sometimes . . .

companionship
(a root)

. . . and THEN God saw that it was not just good . . .


It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!



IT WAS AUSTRALIA

[Zwickel]

Noch n bisschen english zum Üben:

Roping A Deer------- ( Names have been removed to protect the Stupid! ) Actual letter from someone who farms and writes well!

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first s***i* this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end wit h my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw.. My rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer-- no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.
The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and th at deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is no t like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you c an't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying ther e crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

[Blume_50]

Noch n bisschen english zum Üben:

Hallo Zwickel,

da will ich Dir mal antworten, darauf wartest Du doch!
Nennst Du das ein bisschen? So einen langen Text ... !

Dann doch lieber Denglisch, wenn immer mehr englische Wörter dazu kommen brauchen sich die nächsten Generationen nicht mehr mit zweierlei Sprachen herum zu ärgern.

Da es zum Thema passt, anbei diesen Song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKg_oxYGht4

Ich finde diesen Song zwar gut, bin aber doch für die langsame Einführung einer einheitlichen Sprache. Sorry, falls manchem dieser Vorschlag nicht gefällt.
Auf diese Weise lässt sich eine fremde Sprache doch ganz gut lernen.
Es muss ja nicht von heute auf morgen sein!

Warum denn wieder neue Deutsche Rechtschreibung? Dann doch lieber gleich Denglisch und alles klein geschrieben. Lernen muss man das eine und das andere. Jedes Jahr ein paar Englische Begriffe mehr dazu und irgendwann gibts dann nur noch Englisch. Wegen mir im nächsten Jahrhundert.

LG Blume_50

[Zwickel]

Klasse Blume, das hat mir sehr gefallen, ein wunderbares Stück.

Naja, wir haben nunmal den Krieg verloren und müssen jetzt english lernen um international mitreden zu können

andersrum wärs einfacher gewesen

Dennoch finde ich die englische Sprache für mich faszinierend. Sie klingt melodischer und ist auch viel einfacher zu gebrauchen.

ich poste diese langen Texte nur, weil sie in ganz einfachem english geschrieben sind, keine komplizierten Ausdrücke, also wirklich was für Lernwillige, noch dazu amüsant.

Nur ein Beispiel aus meinem letzten Text:

In deutsch würde der Titel lauten: Ein Reh/Hirsch mittels einem Seil (engl, Rope) einfangen.

Der Engländer sagt einfach: "Roping a deer".

einfach, isn´t it (nichtwahr?)

Gruß

[ntf]

Auch in der englischen Sprache gibt es immer wieder neue Wörter zum lernen, sei es das Wort Achtung, Blitzkrieg, oder was sonst noch. Hier eine Link wo diese englischen Wörter näher erklärt werden:

http://www.daube.ch/opinions/sprache06.html

[Zwickel]

Noch ne schöne Story:

There was this tramp.

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he
heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and
slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without
breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off
his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag
down.

Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?"
he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just
name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash,
perhaps you could help me out."

"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only
have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the
safe."

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen
in my whole life - that'll be plenty."

"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes
to the town to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff -
and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk,
forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies
the tramp.

"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl
incredulously.

She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest,
dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she
finds an old file.

"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the
shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-
economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."

"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the
most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking
ocean-going liner he has ever seen.

"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain
storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.

"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-
hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"

"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I
don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight
when it's dark and I'll let you on then."

So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the
dockside, and he falls asleep.

"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."

The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the
gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!

First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets -
6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside
for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim
everywhere.

Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3"
deep, and so on...

3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down
through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine
rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the
very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4'
cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.

"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."

"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more
thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of
the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So
that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping
by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay
pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd
have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for
one dive before he had to go below.

He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and
dived...

... and what a dive...!

Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a
ripple.

Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor
old tramp - was standing watching this.

"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to
dive like that?"

"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.

"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He
broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you
like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers.
I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"

"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices
like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back
sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.

Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to
stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high
diving board for you."

"Okay," agreed the tramp.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with
excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had
provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore
these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of
astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye
could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.

"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you
can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the
tramp began to climb...

up and up...

below him the ship grew smaller...

on and on...

past a solitary albatross...

and still higher...

till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...

and on still further...

till the ocean grew dim...

and the earth itself...

began to shrink...

past our moon...

and on...

and Mars...

and on...

higher, and higher...

through the asteroid belt...

and on and on towards the diving board...

past the outer planets, until...

on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...

he reached the board.

He climbed on top and radioed the captain...

and then...
.' '.
. .
. .
he jumped. .
.
.
.
.
:
Slowly at first, :
:
but speeding up, :
:
:
:
faster, and faster, :
:
speeding past Pluto, :
:
and the other outer planets,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
through the asteroid belt,

past Mars,

and the moon,

faster,

and faster,

faster - ever faster,

and by now the earth was growing large in the distance,

the oceans and land masses grew clear,

faster, and faster,

past the albatross,

double-back somersault,

and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,

hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,

Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,

"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and
dove...

NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN...!

DEEPER,

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

TILL.........

SMASH!

Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he
swam frantically for the surface.

Up and up, desperate, gasping...

Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a
throng wild with acclaim.

"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "BLOODY GOOD SHOW THAT!"

And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over
the crowd.

"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the
most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen."

The tramp blushed.

The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you
survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do
it."

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied
modestly: "Well you see...

I'm a just poor tramp...

so you must understand...



I've been through many a hardship in my life."

[Zwickel]

okay, diesmla ein bisschen kürzer:

TWO MEDICAL STUDENTS AND THE OLD MAN

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki

Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart........ .............. But I was wrong, too!"

[Zwickel]

The Polite way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, that would be rude and impolite.


What about you Sherman, how would you say it?

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'



'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.



Little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'



'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'



The teacher fainted.

[Zwickel]

Weitere Englisch-Lektionen:

Priceless moments...

1. The Cape Times (Cape Town)

"I have promised to keep his identity confidential,' said Jack Maxim, a spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment.
We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied: 'Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there'. Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two twelve times. "We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for GE Lighting."

2. The Star (Johannesburg):

"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland Parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar: "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."

3. The Standard (Kenya):

"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not patriots. You just want to cause trouble." Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin. "The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get the wheel off. Our engineers tried heroically to re-inflate the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but he passed out. "When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket whistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."

4. From a Zimbabwean newspaper:

While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus Driver stopped at a roadside shebeen (beerhall) for a few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen. Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue. Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his 'charges', warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable. Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.

[Zwickel]

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"

Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"

Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"

Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

[Zwickel]

This has come to me from a Queensland friend, so please go easy, and read
slower than usual......
Cheers!
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Subject: Bloody Queenslander. A genuine joke from Queensland..

It is well known that humor is regional, but this is the first joke that I

can say is truly a Queenslander:

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general
managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys
(New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South
Australia) found themselves sitting at
the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said
without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, "Make mine a VB."

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of
Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on
the planet."

The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order:
"I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well," he said with a shrug, "if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then
neither will I."

[Zwickel]

Stole this from an email just sent me.


The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet
Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact
Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine
Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor
Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity
Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

And for the Kiwi's amongst us:
Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.